


knocking on cracked walls

by aanathemaa



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everybody Needs Hugs, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, everybody makes mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22150984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanathemaa/pseuds/aanathemaa
Summary: If Eddie was honest, and he really tried to be most of the time, his life was turning into a mess he didn’t know how to fix.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Lena Bosko & Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 290





	knocking on cracked walls

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what this is because it's just a jumble of scenes. It feels unfinished because there's so much more to write about it but I just don't have time to write anymore lately and I want to post it. Towards the end I've listened to Kina - Can We Kiss Forever? (ft. Adriana Proenza) because I love the instrumental and it got me in the mood. But I do hope you enjoy it
> 
> I'm no writer and English isn't my first language so please be kind. 
> 
> I just love these boys so much. I really wish writers would have the guts to make them happen some way.

Eddie placed a plate of banana pancakes in front of Christopher and sat across him, yawing for what felt like the tenth time since he’d woken up. He took a sip of the coffee Carla made yesterday, because he had been too tired to make a fresh one, and grimaced at the bitterness. The face he made earned him a lopsided smile from Christopher and Eddie couldn't help but return it, despite his predicament.

If Eddie was honest, and he really tried to be most of the time, his life was turning into a mess he didn’t know how to fix. Between Shannon’s death, the tsunami, Christopher’s frequent nightmares and the lawsuit that kept everybody on their toes, he could barely deal. Just when he thought he'd have control over something, life would knock him back on his ass. It really did feel like running in circles sometimes.

Christopher’s state worried him the most. Logically, he knew there was nothing he could do except be there for his son, but Eddie hated not being in control, especially when it came to helping his loved ones. Christopher needed time to completely process what happened, just like the therapist said, but the helplessness Eddie felt ate at him like nothing else. Sometimes just loving his son wasn’t enough. It was a truth that he still had a hard time swallowing.

And the kid had enough on his plate already. Figuratively and literally, Eddie thought as he watched his son take small bites of his food. He used to have a bigger appetite, especially for banana pancakes, which was something Buck used to make for him, but now even eating his breakfast looked like a bit of a struggle.

“Buddy, please eat. You need your strength.” he said and smiled softly, trying to encourage him. 

Christopher especially became more detached after the lawsuit, when Buck stopped visiting and spending time with him. Eddie tried a bunch of excuses but he was running out of reasonable things to say. Christopher wasn’t a dumb kid, he would eventually find out that something was wrong and Eddie didn’t want to put another weight on his shoulders and make him feel like someone’s abandoned him again. 

“I’m not that hungry.” Christopher mumbled with the fork in his mouth before pushing his glasses back up onto his nose. It almost made Eddie laugh.

“I know, but you have to try, okay? For me?” he pleaded, giving Christopher his own version of the puppy eyes. At that, Christopher chuckled lightly but nodded and took another bite. Eddie got up, ruffled his hair and went to spill the rest of his coffee down the drain. It was too bitter, even for him.

The lawsuit had really been the cherry on the top for them. And fine, Eddie could deal with it, he was an adult, but Christopher didn’t deserve this. He had found a really good friend in Buck and to have that taken away without a word hurt his son more. Sure, it felt unfair to hold Buck accountable for not putting someone else’s child at the top of his priorities, he wasn’t Christopher’s parent, but it still felt like he should have at least talked to them before taking such a big step, especially one that would prevent them from seeing or talking to each other.

Not that Eddie thought Buck didn’t care about Christopher, he obviously did, but Buck was also young and, at times, impulsive. He was eager to jump in, head first, without giving much thought to the outcome of his actions. And in this case Christopher had to deal with the sour aftermath without even understanding what was really happening. That didn’t sit well with Eddie at all.

And then there was that other thing, the one that Eddie tried to push at the back of his mind and ignore whenever possible, the one about how he had conflicting feelings towards Buck. He didn’t know when it started exactly, there was no grand moment of realization that Eddie could recall, but over the past year they’ve spent as friends, and then as best friends, he had started to want more than what he was given.

When there were sleepovers, Eddie wondered what it would be like if Buck could stay longer. Watching him interact with Christopher, how well they clicked, filled Eddie with warmth in a way that few things did anymore. Buck had given this kid his whole heart, no questions asked, and there was never a moment when Eddie thought that he was sick of hanging out with a nine year old. Quite the opposite, actually. 

And when Buck looked at him, eyes so blue and clear and easy to get lost in, Eddie wondered what would happen if he kissed him and what he’d do if Buck kissed him back.

But there was some uncertainty clouding his thoughts too. Sure, he had a few fleeting crushes on guys in his teenage years, which he mostly attributed to hormones back then, but he always labeled himself as a straight man, especially because he grew up in a mostly God-fearing household and these things were never really discussed. Until Buck, he had never given himself the opportunity to explore these thoughts in depth.

And Eddie wasn’t confused, he knew by now that his feelings were genuine, but were they appropriate?

He would never do anything about it though. He wouldn’t ruin a friendship, especially not the one between Buck and his son, just to get rejected. There was too much at risk to “carpe diem” this. If the Diaz family needed anything, it was stability, and it wasn’t fair to ask Buck for something that the man couldn’t give. 

“Dad?” Christopher called and snapped him out of his thoughts. Eddie realized he had left the faucet on for a while.

“Yeah, bud?” he answered, looking over his shoulder as he turned off the water and dried his hands.

“Can Buck come visit me today?” he asked softly, almost like he already knew the answer.

Eddie kind of wanted to scream honestly. Instead, he turned around with an apologetic smile.

“No, mijo, I’m sorry. He’s really busy lately.” he paused, taking in his son's disappointment, “He really misses you though.” he tried to offer.

“Yo también lo extraño.” Christopher confessed and looked back to the last bits on his plate. It was a vulnerable moment, Eddie realized, especially because while Christopher understood Spanish very well, he rarely spoke it. It made Eddie’s chest ache with something he couldn't quite name.

“Will you please tell him that I miss him too?”

“Yes, buddy, of course.” He promised.

_Damn it, Buck._

* * *

Buck pondered what to do, itchy to get out of his empty apartment. He hadn’t seen or spoken to any of his teammates in a few days and that was one too many days for him. It didn’t help that they were all he had besides Maddie and the fact that they were so pissed at him made Buck miserable. 

It had hurt so much to find out that Bobby was the one who recommended that he should remain benched for the time being, that he wasn’t ready to be back. Bobby wasn’t just a father figure to Buck, he was the only father figure the man ever really had. His own father had left his mother when he was nine, leaving the country with his and Maddie’s babysitter, as cliche as it sounded. It was safe to say it hadn’t been easy on either of the Buckley siblings. 

Their father did try to contact them a few years later but unlike Maddie, who’d occasionally give him the time of the day, Buck had always refused to talk to him. There was too much and nothing to say at the same time. There was no closure to be had when Buck was sure he’d never be able to forgive him for the choices he made.

So when Bobby rejected him, he felt desperate, like the chances of going back to his old job, to his _family_ , were fading away. He needed his approval, he needed Bobby to know he was ready to be there and help them, to have their back. Having everything slip through his fingers was just not acceptable to Buck, not after how much effort he put into getting where he was.

When he saw Bosko’s name taped over his own, it felt like he had been punched in the gut. Who was she to waltz in and take his place? And to know that she’d be Eddie’s new partner made Buck feel sick.

Was Buck jealous? Yes. He was past being in denial over his feelings for Eddie, even when he knew they’d lead him nowhere, but it was more than just jealousy. That was _his_ team, _his_ partner, _his_ place. She could stay until her team recovered, but she had no business to fill his shoes.

And, fine, Buck could admit that he wasn’t the smartest cookie in the jar but he was no fool either. He noticed how she and Eddie were around each other and how easily they clicked after they teamed up during the tsunami. Despite how stubborn they both seemed, they had gravitated towards one another effortlessly. Buck couldn’t swallow the thought of being replaced like that, especially since his feelings for Eddie made the whole thing feel so much worse.

Buck had known from his teenage years that he was bisexual. When he started looking up porn for the first time, he found himself fascinated and turned on by both parts. Later, he fell in love and dated and had sex, and that confirmed it wasn’t just “a phase”.

The reason why nobody in his team knew he was bisexual wasn’t because he was afraid or ashamed, he just had too many experiences with crushing on straight guys so he usually went for women. If anything, it was his fear of rejection that made him reserved towards approaching guys he liked.

Besides, nobody from his team had asked and thus, he didn’t tell.

But Eddie wasn’t just a crush anymore. He was a veteran and a firefighter and a single father, working long shifts to save people and doing his best to raise his son and be there for him. He was so many things, so much more than a pretty face or a hot body, and Buck had come to respect him.

Sure, it had been easy to see him as competition at first, but as they got to know each other, Buck realized just how kind and strong and funny Eddie was. How could Buck not fall in love with him? 

There was also the inevitable bond of being, quite frequently, in life or death situations with him. Trust was crucial in their line of work and Buck had given all of his to Eddie the moment he realized the other man was capable of handling the pressure, probably more than Buck was. 

Of course, it didn’t help that he attractive.

So falling for him was easy, natural even, and yet… so complicated.

And the truth was that Buck was lonely. It used to be easy to find company back when he was Buck 1.0 but said company rarely made him feel satisfied or complete beyond having his physical needs taken care of. Now, Buck craved fireworks and weak knees and the knowledge that there was someone out there for him, someone to come home to and someone for whom he’d actually mean something. 

And wasn’t it funny how he usually ended up wanting these things from people that couldn’t give them to him? 

To top it all, Buck loved Christopher so much. Too often he caught himself imagining, wishing, he could be a part of their family. He wanted to be there for Eddie through good and hard times, to watch Christopher grow into even more of an amazing person than he already was. Maybe it was silly, but Buck wanted to be present for every important event in Christopher’s life.

There were moments when he dared to hope, when Eddie's eyes lingered a little bit longer and Buck could almost see a spark there, but he knew he was just projecting. It was all wishful thinking.

At the end of this recurrent train of thought, he’d usually remember that his friendship with Eddie and his presence in their life was mostly a privilege, something that Buck treasured more and wouldn’t risk ruining when he knew Eddie could not see him as more than a close friend. All he could do was hope that one day these feelings would be gone and maybe, just maybe, he’d find someone meant for him. It had been hard when Abby left and it wasn’t easy now.

But, still, he could not get over Bosko. Maybe because she was the first woman to gain Eddie’s attention since he and Buck met. Shannon was something else, she was off limits even to Buck because she was the mother of his child, but all Bosko did was remind Buck of what he could never have, what he could never be to Eddie.

It was petty, he knew it wasn’t her fault, but the way she entered their lives made Buck hostile. He didn’t want to witness them grow closer and closer until he’d fade away from the picture completely.

And yeah, maybe it was also selfish, maybe this was Eddie’s chance at happiness, and, of course, Buck wouldn’t stand in the way, but he couldn’t help the way he felt. There was no point in lying to himself.

The only consolation he could think of was being back with the team. Maybe Buck couldn’t have Eddie the way he wanted but he still had a chance to rejoin the 118 and that was enough in itself.. it had to be.

He knew they were mad at him, the lawsuit had been a mess so far, but there was nothing he could do besides apologize and hope that they’d know his heart was in the right place.

* * *

When Bobby decided that grocery shopping was an acceptable coping method for dealing with the tension within the team, and, really, the whole station, Eddie didn’t protest. He needed a breather after a particularly hard morning, both at home and on the job. 

Lena, however, had other plans. She had been pestering Eddie to tell her what was up his ass for the past hour or so. She noticed he was angrier than usual, everyone has, but Bosko had no concept of minding her own business. The only reason Eddie didn’t snap at her yet was because he knew she was trying, in her own way, to help.

“Is this about the lawsuit or something else? You were friends with that guy, right?”

_That guy._ No. Not just some guy. _Buck_. The guy that had easily slipped under Eddie’s skin and decided to stay. The guy who had been there for Eddie and Christopher whenever they needed him, who had brought Carla into their lives and, most importantly, who had saved his son’s life, even if he still had trouble believing it.

“Drop it, Lena, I don’t want t-”

Eddie didn’t even get to tell Bosko off, his voice trailing off as he spotted Buck on the pasta isle, with his back turned to them, peering over the shelves at the others. He looked conflicted, like he was gathering the courage to face them but didn’t know how. Eddie frowned, chest suddenly tight, and stepped in his direction. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his tone so sharp that Buck almost jumped.

“Eddie!” Buck exclaimed when he turned around, loud and breathless. He beamed, though he looked unsure of himself, and it pissed Eddie off even more. When Lena came closer, Buck's smile faltered.

“Uhm, grocery shopping?” he tried but grimaced at his own words. As if Eddie was dumb enough to think he’d go to a shop 8 miles from his apartment.

“Uh huh,” Eddie deadpanned.

By then, the others spotted them and gathered behind Eddie and Lena.

“Buck?” Bobby frowned, slightly confused. Hen gave him a sympathetic smile that Buck immediately returned before he took a step closer.

“Uhm,” he sucked in a breath, looking at everyone before zooming in on Bobby, “Listen, I, I actually came here to apologize. I never meant for things to get so out of hand with the lawsuit and-”

Eddie scoffed and shook his head. Buck couldn’t be this naive.

“Yeah? What’d you think was gonna happen?” he asked harshly and he could see Buck was taken aback by it. Maybe now he’d understand what this whole thing felt like to him and Christopher. 

“The lawsuit’s bad enough, but you told your lawyer everything about us, personal things.” And okay, maybe what he shared about Eddie wasn’t the worst, even though the Shannon question punched him right in the gut, but the things he shared about Bobby, things Eddie wasn’t aware of, really irked him for some reason. Eddie valued loyalty and it felt like Buck had thrown his out the window when he sued the department without as much as a word.

“You’re supposed to be truthful with your lawyer.” Buck frowned, like a child that didn’t understand what he did wrong. “Why are you so pissed at me?”

And oh, Eddie had a list. He took a step forward while Chimney quirked his eyebrows. He wanted Buck to understand, but he was too angry to be nice about it.

“Because you’re exhausting!” he raised his voice and Hen frowned at him, almost ready to say something, “We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow we manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?” 

“That’s kinda harsh.” Chimney defended from the side, “It’s not like the guy asked to be crushed by a ladder truck.”

Eddie barely glanced at him. He knew Chimney was right but his entire focus was on trying to make Buck understand what he'd done.

“No, but he filed a stupid lawsuit, and now I can’t even talk to you because of it.” he said, thinking of Chris and how disappointed he looked to be told yet again that Buck can’t spend any time with him. 

“You know how much Christopher misses you?” he scoffed, “How could you? You’re not around.”

And really, Eddie missed him just as much. Embarrassing or not, selfish or not, the man had grown to be such an integral part of his life. The idea of losing it all over Buck’s impatience frustrated Eddie to no end.

Buck, for his part, looked as if he lost any bravado he had. Eddie knew that Christopher was his weak spot and maybe it was a low blow, but he felt a bit desperate.

“I,” Buck stammered, his voice filled with guilt, “I didn’t realize that. Maybe I can come and visit Christopher? You know the lawsuit doesn’t prevent that.” 

“No, it prevents me from reaching out to you.” Eddie pointed out, more tired than angry now, and tried not to look away when he saw Buck's blue eyes turn glassy.

“Why can’t you see my side of this?” Buck almost pleaded.

Before the other man could say anything, they all heard a crash and turned around to see a man bump repeatedly into another car while screaming at the other driver. 

“Someone should stop them.” Chimney said with a sigh.

“Those two or these two?” Hen asked, looking distraught. 

* * *

Eddie’s words haunted him all the way home and if Buck still had tears in his eyes by the time he reached his apartment, that was nobody’s business. He had no doubts about the reasons for which he sued the department but he was starting to have some doubts about the costs of it. The mere idea that Eddie would be done with him because of this was something Buck didn't even want to imagine.

It didn't feel fair to have to choose between their friendship and the thing that made Buck wake up everyday and not feel like a total screw-up. He loved Eddie and his son and he loved his work and his chosen family and he didn't want to have to give up either. This wasn't just Buck being difficult, it was Buck trying to fight for what he _needed_ in his life.

Eddie must have had something he cared about like that so why was it so hard for him to understand? 

Before he could even sit down and breathe for a moment, his phone buzzed in his pocket, the sound muffled by the material.

“Hello?” Buck answered and tried to sound decent and not just like he was on the verge of a emotional breakdown.

“Good news, Evan!” Chase almost yelled. Buck cringed at the use of his name. There were few people who were allowed to call him that but he figured this wasn't the moment to point that out.

“Really?” he asked, a little flicker of hope buzzing in his chest.

“Come by when you can, okay?” Chase laughed, excitement clear in his tone. 

Maybe, just maybe, something good was gonna come out of this.

* * *

“I get it now.” Bosko suddenly said as she sat next to Eddie at the table. She took a mouthful of his salad and smiled when he turned around to glare at her. The others had already finished eating but Eddie had spent his lunch mostly staring at his food rather than eating it. Bobby had given him a look but didn't push and Eddie was thankful for that.

“Get what exactly?” Eddie asked, less in the mood to talk and more in the mood to punch something.

“You’re pissed.” Bosko said, still chewing, and gesticulated towards him, “You’re angry that your best friend decided to fight for his place here without consulting you.”

Eddie looked back to his food and thought about it.

“That’s one way to put it,” he scowled, “but it’s worse than that.”

“No, it isn’t.” Bosko said. When Eddie glared at her a second time, she just shrugged. 

“It isn’t. The man is doing everything within his power to return to his job and that’s exactly what I would do too.” she said firmly before pushing the salad bowl closer to Eddie. “Eat.” 

Eddie scoffed and immediately pushed it away as if it offended him. 

“He’s doing it at the expense of everything. He refused Bobby’s advice to take more time, he didn’t think to consult any of us before, he’s shared personal shit about all of us to that lawyer and he didn’t think about how it would affect us.” Eddie ranted, buzzing with frustration, “And he didn’t think about how it would affect Christopher, who keeps asking me when he’s going to see him again, and I don’t know what to tell him.”

Lena shook her head with an apologetic smile.

“This isn’t about you, Eddie. About any of you. It isn’t personal.” Bosko tried to reason and then sighed, “Look, I don’t know the guy, but if he loves and cares about his job half as much as I do, then I get why he’s doing it.” 

Eddie continued to glare at her but Bosko could see the wheels slowly turning in his head. It’s not like Eddie didn’t understand that this job was very important to Buck and that he felt very attached to the team, but being so pushy with his recovery was dangerous and reckless and maybe Eddie could have talked some sense into him had Buck consulted with him. It kind of felt like a betrayal, really. 

He closed his eyes and exhaled before getting up to put his salad bowl in the fridge. 

“I know you’re pissed,” Bosko said again and Eddie felt like screaming again. He didn’t want another lecture on how he was in the wrong for feeling upset over the situation. “I know it isn’t easy or ideal for you and I’m sorry your kid is involved in it as well.” her tone had softened and Eddie appreciated that, “But if you need to get rid of some of the tension or let go of some of that anger, I know a place.”

Eddie turned around and leaned on the kitchen counter, frowning. A place?

“What do you mean?”

Bosko just gave him a smirk.

* * *

To say Buck was disappointed when he found out that the city offered him a settlement was an understatement. The whole thing was never about getting money from the department or hurting his friends and coworkers. It had been a battle to get back to the job he loved with the people he loved. Refusing the deal was easy because he had no interest in settling. He was either going to win or he was going to lose, but at least he could say he tried to fight his way back to them, even when it felt like walking through fire. And Buck knew a thing or two about that.

He softly opened the door to his apartment and switched on the lights in the hallway. The brightness threw him off and he squinted, adjusting his eyes. With a sigh, he took off his shoes and walked to the small kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter. The sound it made echoed throughout the empty apartment and Buck grimaced.

God, was he lonely. And pathetic. 

When his phone beeped once, he frowned. He immediately recognized the familiar sound of a text notification, which seemed a bit weird since it had been some time since anybody contacted him. He had just seen his lawyer two hours ago, he usually called anyway, and he’d spoken to Maddie on her lunch break so he couldn’t think of anyone who’d write to him. 

But when he peered at the screen, he felt his stomach twist. It was Bobby. 

Buck took the phone in his hands and worried his lower lip. He was scared of what the text message might say. He imagined that Bobby was just as pissed at him as Eddie, maybe more. But Bobby had a quiet type of anger, the kind that made Buck feel like he was a disappointing child, whereas Eddie’s was like a blown out magnesium fire, sparks flying, the whole package.

Buck couldn’t deal with any more blows, not from Bobby at least. But he knew he deserved it, especially after what he shared about him with his lawyer. It was foolish to believe that the man would handle such sensitive information with care. 

After a minute or so, anticipation got the best of him. 

The message simply read: _Hey, kid. We’re gonna go for drinks later at the Paper House. You should come._

Buck was outright confused.

* * *

Arriving at the bar made him feel more nervous than he expected. He had no idea why Bobby or the team would suddenly want to hang out with him. Maybe they had something to tell him, Buck thought and then scowled. _Maybe_ they just wanted to tell him that it was over, that no matter the outcome, they were done with him. The idea of that alone made him want to run in the opposite direction.

Seeing Eddie also made him very anxious. He couldn’t handle the frustration and disappointment anymore, especially when all he wanted to do was hug the man tight and make him understand. He missed Eddie so much, missed just being around him and Christopher, and knowing that this thing they had, this friendship, was slowly slipping away suffocated him.

He’d gotten a real taste of what it meant being part of something that mattered, something important, and he didn't know what he'd do without it.

But there was no backing down now. He sucked in a breath and took a step forward. 

“Buck.” Bobby acknowledged him as soon as he approached the table where his friends were enjoying a drink. 

Buck coughed and then smiled, waving his hand to salute them. In truth, he had no idea what to do with himself, especially when everyone's eyes were on him. They didn't look super happy, but they didn't look pissed either so Buck counted that as a win. Hen nodded and returned his smile, giving him a small boost of confidence, while Bobby stood up and walked towards him.

“Thanks for inviting me, Bobby, I appreciate it.” he said and gave Bobby a crooked smile. Bobby just led him to a quieter spot in the bar. 

“You’re gonna get a call tomorrow, from the Chief.” he said, features unreadable. Buck wasn’t sure what was going on so his brows furrowed. 

“You’re being reinstated to active duty.” Bobby explained when he noticed the look the younger man gave him, “The brass didn’t want the headache. They’re afraid of bad press.”

“Wow, that, uhm,” Buck stammered, feeling as if he was dreaming. _Was this really happening? Like actually happening?_ “T-that’s awesome!” he said and couldn’t help the smile that broke across his face.

“Yeah, maybe not.” Bobby retorted, “They gave me the option to transfer you. They understood why I might not want you back after everything you put us through.”

And there was it; the reminder that it had been, indeed, too good to be true. Buck’s heart started beating faster and his face fell at the words. His mouth kept opening and closing, and his mind raced for the right words that would convince Bobby to let him stay.

He wasn’t sure there were any, though, especially because Bobby was clear on how the team felt about it.

“Bobby, I-”

“But I said no. You’re coming back to the 118 where I can keep an eye on you.”

Buck was dizzy at this point. He had gone through so many conflicting feelings within the last five minutes that his body didn’t know what to do anymore. He felt his eyes sting with something bittersweet and he breathed out as if he had finished a marathon, the huge smile returning to his lips. He blinked a couple of times to clear his vision, still surprised that he managed to survive the rollercoaster of emotions he'd just been on.

“Thank you, Cap. You won’t regret it.” Buck promised. He really wanted to hug Bobby but he didn't know if that'd be welcomed just yet.

“You might. My house, my rules.” Bobby countered and walked away, heading back to the table.

Buck didn’t know what that meant but he couldn’t think about it right now. It felt like his brain had produced too much dopamine and his body buzzed with excitement. Finally, he’d be back to where he belonged and no matter how cheesy it sounded, the firehouse was his home. Way more of a home than his deserted apartment was. 

When Buck quietly joined them, trying not to step on anybody's toes just yet, he had been too busy grinning like an idiot at the news to notice that Eddie and Lena weren't there. When he did become aware of it, his stomach sank a little bit. 

“Hey, Bobby, where’s Eddie?” he asked softly. 

“I think he went out with Lena.” Chim replied before Bobby could, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and Buck suddenly felt sick. Of course they were not here, of course they were together, of course she slipped so easily into Eddie's life and became everything that Buck could not. 

But what was he expecting? He wasn’t even sure Eddie still wanted to be his friend anymore. Anything beyond that seemed downright delusional.

* * *

Eddie could not believe his eyes when Bosko put a man double her size into a chokehold and threw him to the ground. She stood over him, holding him in place, and smiled at the roaring crowd. Eddie felt the hairs on his arms stand up.

He was initially hesitant when he got to this place, unsure if this was something he wanted to be involved with, but after watching Bosko fight, he couldn't deny the that he was itching to get some as well, especially if it helped with his temper a bit.

“Your turn.” Bosko said, breathless, and punched him lightly in the shoulder. 

Eddie laughed, slightly nervous at the idea of jumping into this so easily, especially with everyone's attention on him. He opened his mouth to say something but Bosko just pushed him forward with a smirk.

Fuck it, he thought, and walked to the center of the crowd. He took his shirt off and threw it at his friend, making her roll her eyes.

The man that stepped up to him was slightly larger than him, but Eddie knew he had an advantage: he was angrier. 

He tried to give as good as he got but when he heard Bosko cheer from the side, Eddie momentarily lost his focus. That earned him a punch so hard he ended up on the ground, spitting blood in the dirt. 

Eddie smiled at the realization of what just happened and adrenaline started rushing through his veins. It took less than five minutes for the other guy to tap out, signaling that he's had enough.

Bosko laughed hysterically. “Atta boy!” she shouted, a big smile on her face as Eddie was declared the winner. 

_This felt really good_ , Eddie mused.

* * *

The firehouse was quiet in the morning because everyone was still nursing their coffees, before or after a long shift. Buck walked in feeling optimistic and grinned as he greeted his colleagues. Most barely spared him a glance, but he told himself he could handle a temporary cold shoulder. They needed time to deal with what happened and it wasn’t like Buck expected a welcome back party.

Just as he was done changing into his gear, he heard steps behind him. Glancing up, he saw Hen take a place next to him on the small bench. She smiled softly, brown eyes sparkling with something kind.

“Welcome back, kid.” she said and Buck wasted no time to pull her into a tight hug. His chest tightened too, happy to be acknowledged with more than a nod.

“I missed you.” he breathed out before he pulled away.

The emotion in his voice must have been obvious to his friend because she quickly searched his eyes.

“You okay?" 

"Yeah, I am,” he nodded in confirmation, trying to put on a brave face, “I’m a bit nervous about Eddie though.”

Hen smiled again then, a glint in her eyes like she knew more than she let on, and Buck knew that she usually did.

“He’s gonna come around eventually. Give him some time.” she simply said, and the confidence in her tone gave Buck a spark of hope that things could go back to normal. 

* * *

“You’re late.” Bobby said pointedly, frowning when Eddie approached them. 

“I’m sorry, traffic was-”

“What’s up with your lip?” Buck interrupted with a frown of his own.

Eddie just took a moment to look at Buck. He was back in the uniform and it fit him perfectly. He looked good, but it still irked Eddie how well he was handling this. He didn’t get to ask questions anymore after what happened. Why should Eddie tell him anything?

"Just roughhousing with my kid.” he smiled bitterly, meeting Buck’s eyes.

“Really? Were you playing with hammers?” Buck questioned, crossing his arms and quirking an eyebrow.

And okay, it seemed like Buck had made it his mission to get Eddie on the edge, but he had a point. This never really happened, mostly because Christopher wasn’t the type of kid to play roughly and because Eddie would be afraid to hurt him anyway. Still, Buck had no right to act like he cared and Eddie wanted to make sure he knew that.

“Nothing you need to be concerned with.” He replied sharply, leaving no room for discussion, and glanced apologetically at Bobby who was looking between them with unease.

Thankfully, Chimney broke the tension.

“Welcome back, Buck.” he said and offered a small smile in acknowledgement.

Buck practically buzzed with excitement and beamed at the other man.

“Thanks. Glad to be back." 

The fire alarm went off then, interrupting their little moment, and Eddie saw Back step towards the truck before Bobby put a hand on his shoulder.

"Buck, you’re man behind today.” he said firmly. Buck instantly deflated.

“Wh-I’m not going out today? Come on, Cap.” he whined.

“My house, my rules, remember?”

Buck just groaned and turned around.

* * *

It took Buck a month before he was really back on the team and allowed to ride out with the rest. He was happy to have Bobby’s trust again and made a promise to not be overzealous about unnecessary risks, especially considering he was still on blood thinners. After everything he’d been through and put them through, he intended to keep it.

He should feel happier, especially since his colleagues had started to relax around him and he was slowly regaining his place as a valuable member of the 118. But his return felt incomplete when he knew Eddie still barely talked to him.

They worked around each other quietly and effectively, professionally if you will, with the older firefighter cutting off all of Buck’s attempts at light conversation. Buck had a hard time dealing with any sort of rejection so the cracks in their relationship stung deeply. He just wanted to be able to talk to his best friend again. It wasn’t even about being in love with Eddie anymore, it was just about trying to put the bricks back on the foundation of their friendship.

At times, the tension was still very much palpable between them and Buck felt like he was walking on eggshells. Bobby himself seemed concerned but he never said anything. 

Regardless, Buck was very thankful that Eddie allowed him to see Christopher again. They’d spend most of Buck’s days off together, just having fun and enjoying each other’s company, while Eddie was either at work or running errands. Buck was still apprehensive about taking Christopher out but the little man’s pure excitement gave him the push he needed to step out of his comfort zone. 

Eddie was still seeing Bosko though. He knew that because there were times when they’d drop off Christopher together and Buck would feel his stomach in knots. He had no right to judge Eddie or feel betrayed, he had made a choice that Buck had to respect, but there was no point in lying to himself either. Every time he’d see her with him, he felt downright nauseous.

But at least there were no more bruises, at least none that he could see. Buck still had no idea where they kept coming from and he had no intention of buying into the whole “playtime with Christopher” thing, but Eddie barely talked about it with Bobby, let alone with him. He’d give Bobby some last minute excuses that Bobby himself had trouble believing, but Eddie made it clear he had no intention of discussing it with Buck. It had took all the effort in the world for Buck to stay quiet after the first few times Eddie told him to back off and he only did it so he wouldn’t push Eddie further away.

Thankfully, he hadn’t seen a bruise in the past few-

Buck almost jumped at the sound of his ringtone. Knowing it was past ten, he frowned and reluctantly picked up his phone to look at the caller ID. Seeing Eddie's name on it immediately made him nervous and he didn't waste any time.

“Eddie?” he answered softly, worrying his lower lip.

“Buck?” Christopher’s voice came through instead, small and unsure. Buck’s eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat.

“Christopher?” he asked, making sure he heard right, and couldn’t hide the panic in his tone.

“Yes!” Christopher exclaimed, his tone urgent.

“Buddy, what’s up?” Buck got up and started pacing. This couldn't be good, not with the way Christopher sounded.

“Buck,” Christopher inhaled, like he was glad he could reach him, “uh, d-daddy fell in the bathroom and I can’t open the door.” 

_Wait, what?_

Buck’s stomach sank and he couldn’t think straight for a moment. _Eddie did what?_

“W-What? Christopher, are you okay? How did Eddie fall?” he questioned, trying to remain calm. Calls this close to home were never easy and his chest tightened with worry at the possibility of Eddie being injured and Christopher being alone. 

“Yes, I’m okay, but I’m scared.” Christopher confessed and Buck could hear him sniffle. 

“That’s okay, buddy, I’m here, don’t worry. And I’m coming to you. Just tell me what happened again, please.” Buck coaxed him, already heading towards his closet to pick some clothes. He really hoped this wasn’t as bad as it sounded. 

“I don’t know,” Christopher trailed off, “he was in the bathroom. I heard a loud noise and I tried to open the door but I couldn’t. When I called his name, he didn’t answer. And I called again and again but he still didn’t answer.” 

“Oh, Chris,” Buck said, trying for a soothing voice, but ending up sounding more vulnerable than he wanted to. “Listen, buddy, it’s gonna be okay. Your dad will be okay, I promise you.” he tried to assure him as he started to dress, still keeping the phone glued to his ear. He needed to be stable enough emotionally to handle Christopher so he tried to focus. “Did you manage to call 911 for help like daddy taught you?”

“I did, I did.” Christopher told him and Buck could practically imagine him nod as he heard the shuffling noises on the line, “I told the lady what happened and she told me to stay on the line because help is coming soon, but I told her that I need to call you because you’re a firefighter and you would save dad like you saved me. She didn’t want me to hang up, but I told her I have to. She said she’ll teach me how to make another call without hanging up and I called you.” He explained, breathless, and Buck’s heart broke with every word. This kid was so smart, and more of a fighter than he could ever know. He was so small and yet so brave and Buck loved him completely. 

“Can you come Buck?” Christopher asked, the distress in his voice making Buck’s hands shake. Buck put the phone on speaker and pulled his jeans on, not even bothering with a new shirt. 

“I’m on my way, Chris.“ Buck promised, taking his jacket and keys, "I’m gonna get in my car and come, but I’m going to hang up so you can talk to the lady until help arrives, okay? You’ll have to open the door for them if they get there before I do, okay?” 

Buck practically ran down the stairs to the parking lot and slammed the door once he was in his car. He hadn’t realized that Christopher had been silent for this whole time. "Buddy? It’s okay to be scared but everything will be fine." 

"Okay.” Christopher finally said, obviously trying not to cry, “I will open the door for them when they come." 

“Don’t worry, buddy, I’m coming, okay? I’m gonna hang up now so I can drive, okay?” 

“Okay, Buck.” is all Christopher murmured before the call ended. Buck’s heart was pounding so hard he thought it might explode.

* * *

When he got there, he watched as the paramedics rolled Eddie away on a stretcher. He saw him blink again and again, drifting in and out of consciousness, probably not fully aware of his surroundings. And Buck was just about to run to him when he heard Christopher call his name, loud and clear. He turned his head to see the little boy in the arms of another paramedic, reaching out his arms towards Buck, face flushed and wet. He rushed over so quickly, he was surprised he didn’t trip over his own feet.

“Christopher!” he cried out and took him into his arms. Christopher let out a sob that made Buck shiver with fear and he hugged the boy tighter, caressing his head and whispering soothing things into his ear. 

“Are you the other parent?” the paramedic standing next to them asked and Buck almost choked. He wasn’t, even when he felt like he was. 

“No, ma'am, I’m a friend and coworker of his father. We are both firefighters with the 118.” Buck clarified, trying not to let his voice crack. “What happened to him? Is he alright?" 

"We aren’t sure yet. It seems to us like he passed out for a reason, hit his head against the bathtub and had a mild concussion, but we still don’t know why he passed out in the first place. He’s mostly awake now but he’s not completely coherent yet so we’ll take him to the UCLA Medical Center and do some scans to check for any brain damage.”

Buck felt the blood drain from his face at her words, his knees feeling weaker than they already were. Passed out? Brain damage? He sucked in a breath and held Christopher close with shaky hands. The paramedic must have noticed the change in his demeanor because she gently placed a hand on Christopher’s back.

“Are you alright? Do you want to put him down maybe?” she asked softly, obviously concerned for the well being of both of them.

Buck took a step back. No way he was letting go of Christopher.

“No, no, I’m fine. Just- You guys should hurry. I’ll contact his family and friends and we’ll be there as soon as possible." 

The paramedic nodded, a look of sympathy on her face, and walked away. She closed the backdoors of the ambulance and jumped into the passenger seat, driving away. 

"Buck," Christopher called weakly, "is daddy-"

"Daddy will be just fine, Chris." Buck cut him off, trying to chase away any bad thoughts from the boy's head. Buck wasn't sure if he himself fully believed this, but thinking about the other possibilities would just lead him to a full on breakdown and right now he needed to focus on Christopher and Eddie.

* * *

Buck’s hands trembled when he placed Christopher in the backseat of his car, locking his seat belt. Christopher, for his part, whined at the realization that he’d be all alone in the back and Buck’s chest tightened at the sound. 

“I know, buddy, I know, but you’re not allowed to ride in the front.” he leaned down and placed a small kiss on the top of Christopher’s head, hoping it would calm him down a bit. The boy remained quiet but his glassy eyes were making Buck lose whatever self-control he had left and his own eyes stinging. 

“I’m going to call uncle Bobby and then we will drive to the hospital, okay? Everything will be fine, Chris.” he promised again, even though he felt like a broken record. Maybe if he repeated it enough times, it'd be true. 

Softly, he closed the door to the car and took out his phone, giving Christopher, who was watching his every move, a weak smile. He dialed Bobby’s number and held his breath.

“Buck?” Bobby answered, confused. Buck was aware most people knew that late calls meant trouble and this was no exception.

“Bobby, hey, uhm,” he stammered, “can you come to the UCLA Medical Center? Eddie’s had a bad concussion and I,” he paused, trying not to let his voice break, “I need you there.”

“A concussion?” Bobby questioned and almost seemed like he didn’t believe Buck for a moment.

“Yes, he hit his head on the bathtub and passed out. The paramedics told me they’re taking him to UCLA. Can you come, please?” Buck almost pleaded. 

“Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Bobby said firmly and that immediately made Buck feel better. Buck really didn't want to be alone there.

“Can you call his family? I’m with Christopher and I need to drive to the hospital and I can’t-” Buck trailed off and glanced at Christopher who looked so small and distressed.

“I’ll call them from the hospital once we know the exact details, okay?” Bobby assured him, “You just drive safe, okay?”

Forgetting that Bobby couldn’t see him, Buck nodded. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Christopher.

“Thanks, Bobby.” is all he said in reply.

* * *

Hearing Christopher sniffle from the backseat and not being able to hold him close made the whole ride to UCLA a nightmare in itself. When he picked Christopher up and closed the door to the car, locking it, the boy hugged his neck so tight he almost choked. Buck placed a hand on his back and tried to soothe him as they walked into the chaotic rush of the emergency room.

He took a moment to study the room before he noticed a reception and hurried towards it. The young lady on the other side of the counter was so buried in all sorts of paperwork that she didn't even notice him as he approached.

“Hello, excuse me?” he said and tried not to sound impatient.

She looked up then, slightly puzzled, but her features softened when she noticed the small boy in Buck’s arms. 

“How can I help you, sir?” she prompted.

“I’m looking for Edmundo Diaz. He was brought here with a concussion.” Buck answered, sick of even repeating these words. 

He watched as she typed the name into the system and furrowed her brows at the screen. 

“And you are?” she asked without looking up. 

“My name is Evan Buckley. I’m his best friend and coworker. We’re firefighters with the 118.” he spoke softly. He felt Christopher stir in his arms, turning around to look at the receptionist.

“Is daddy here?” Christopher mumbled, rubbing his left eye. He must be so tired, Buck thought.

“Yes, sweetheart, he’s here.” the young woman looked up and smiled. "The doctor is currently with him. He's been taken to the second floor, room 18A, for scans. There is a small waiting room there. The name of the doctor is Adam Miller."

"Thank you so much.” Buck nodded and gave her a faint smile.

* * *

Unlike the hustle of the emergency room downstairs, the waiting room on the second floor was disturbingly quiet. Buck inhaled deeply and walked on, trying to find the room where Eddie had been taken to. He felt Christopher’s hands slowly slide against his back and immediately adjusted the boy in his arms so he wouldn’t fall. Considering the emotional rollercoaster he’d just been on, he couldn’t blame the kid for dozing off. He must have been so overwhelmed. 

When he reached the door to 18A, Buck halted and frowned. For just a second, he considered barging in, itching to see Eddie and find out if he was okay, but he quickly came to the conclusion that it’d be smarter to avoid causing a scene. He walked back to the waiting room, looking around at all the empty chairs. Christopher was sleeping with his mouth slightly open and his glasses barely hanging off of his nose, causing Buck’s frown to melt into a fond smile. He sat down slowly, letting the boy’s legs dangle off of his while his head rested on the crook of Buck’s neck. There was nothing now to do but wait, which gave Buck plenty of time to imagine the worst.

Just a few minutes later, or more (he couldn’t tell at this point), he saw Bobby walk in with the rest of the team following close. Bobby looked collected, but the storm underneath was obvious even to Buck. He seemed slightly out of breath as he approached them, but there was a sympathetic smile on his face. 

“How is he? Any news?" 

Buck simply shook his head, overwhelmed with worry once again, the reality of it crushing down on him like the waves of the tsunami. What if Eddie had brain damage? What would he do then? What would he tell Christopher? He looked up at his friends and tried to search their faces for reassurance. Hen looked distraught and Buck wanted to hug her just as much as she wanted to hug him. Chimney stood close to her, dejected. 

"I don’t know anything more than I did when I called you.”

Bobby took a seat next to him and placed his hand on Buck’s shoulder, glancing at the small boy in his arms with affection. Hen took the seat on the opposite side, trying to give him an encouraging smile.

“He’ll be fine, Buck.” Bobby stated firmly and met his eyes. The rest nodded without hesitation.

“Eddie’s though.” Hen supplied and Buck turned to her, breathing out and feeling his eyes sting. He wished they were right. He really didn’t know if he could handle any bad news anymore.

“Would you like me to hold him so you can rest your arms?” Hen kindly offered, a sort of motherly tone in her voice. 

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Buck slightly hugged Christopher closer and cleared his voice. It might have been stupid, but somehow he was too afraid to let him go now. “Thank you, Hen.”

Hen seemed to follow his train of thought and nodded, empathy in her brown eyes.

“Hi guys.” Lena’s quiet voice suddenly grabbed their attention and Buck narrowed his eyes. 

“What exactly happened? Your text was pretty vague, Cap.” she asked, looking between them, seemingly agitated. Her eyes flickered to Christopher for a second, widening. 

“Lena,” Bobby acknowledged, “Eddie collapsed in his bathroom and hit his head. The doctors are checking on him right now. We don’t really know what happened before that. I thought you'd want to be here too.”

And wasn't that another punch to the gut? Everyone seemed to know about Eddie and Lena, even when Eddie didn't say anything.

“Uhm,” Lena inhaled, bringing her hand to massage her forehead, “I was supposed to meet him tonight. He cancelled last minute.”

“Did he say why?” Bobby asked and Buck looked away, worrying his bottom lip. She was Eddie’s girlfriend so maybe she knew something. Healthy young men didn’t just drop like that for no reason, but that itself made Buck even more uneasy.

“No, he just said that something came up.” she explained before her voice started to crack, “But I think I know what happened to him." 

With that, all the eyes were on her. Buck was kinda terrified to see her this anxious because Bosko was known to keep her cool under pressure. Whatever she knew, whatever information she had, it was bad. 

"What?” Chimney asked, breaking the deafening silence of the room, and took a step towards her.

“This is gonna sound bad,” she said and looked at Bobby, “When the lawsuit happened, Eddie was pissed. Like really pissed. After he and Buck fought in the grocery store,” she glanced at Buck for a second, “I tried to reason with him. He was having none of it and seemed like he was growing even angrier with the whole thing. I told him I might know a place that can help." 

Chimney and Hen exchanged looks and Bobby just looked downright confused. Buck’s mind, on the other hand, was going at light speed and coming up with nothing.

"A place?” Hen inquired and made a face.

Lena just looked away and nodded. 

“There a car dump down on Ferguson where street fights take place occasionally. I go there sometimes to relieve some stress. I thought it would help Eddie the way it helped me but he was way angrier than I thought. He kind of,” she trailed off a bit and met Bobby’s eyes, “made it his only escape, I guess.”

Buck let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. There was it. _Street fighting_. And wow, all the dots connected so easily now, like when you finally finish a puzzle you’ve been working on for a long time and you can see the full picture. The bruises, the temper, the way Eddie avoided talking about his state. And honestly, what the fuck was Eddie thinking? He had a child waiting at home, depending on him, and he decided that street fighting was the best way to cope with his anger?

Buck knew they weren’t on excellent terms at the moment and that Eddie wouldn’t have wanted to speak with him about this, but there were so many people he could have talked to. He wasn’t alone in this, he must have known that. The idea that he’d chosen to put himself in danger rather than just ask for help made Buck furious.

“Jesus!” Chimney said and shook his head.

“Street fighting? That’s where all of these bruises were coming from?” Bobby asked her, his lips in a tight line.

Bosko merely nodded. 

“How could you not say anything for so long?” Buck almost growled, his voice louder than he expected. Hen’s eyes widened at him and Christopher slightly stirred in his arms. _Fuck keeping quiet._

“I’m sorry, I know, I tried to get him to stop going, I-” Lena tried to explain frantically.

“Oh, you tried? You’re the one that took him there in the first place!” Buck glared at her and tried hard not to yell. 

“Buck, that’s enough.” Bobby warned him. 

“I wanted to say something.” she looked between them, on the verge of tears now, and Buck felt odd to see her like this, emotional and vulnerable. Buck was too angry to cut her any slack though.

“But you didn’t say anything and because of that he ended up unconscious on the floor of his bathroom with his kid crying on the other side of the door!” Buck said before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He realized it was Hen’s attempt to calm him down. Bosko, though, was at a loss. 

“Buck?” Christopher’s sleepy voice shook him out of his anger and Buck’s gaze snapped to the boy. Christopher blinked a couple of times, trying to regain his senses, but before he could say anything more, Dr. Miller walked into the waiting room.

“Hello, my name’s Adam Miller and I suppose you’re all here for Mr. Diaz, right?” he spoke softly and waited for everyone to nod. Buck tensed, itching with anticipation, “I’m currently supervising his state. Are any of you family?" 

"He’s my dad.” Christopher stated, his tone much lighter than before, “Can I see him, please?" 

"Of course.” the doctor answered with a smile. “I just need to speak with an adult member of the family first. Is that okay?”

“I guess so.” Christopher answered, slightly deflated that he had to wait more. Buck could sympathize; waiting any longer did not seem like an option for him. He felt himself grow impatient. 

But he really did not want to be left out of this conversation. Maybe he wasn’t family by blood but there was a time when Eddie made him feel something close to it. He didn’t know whether or not Eddie still felt that way but right now all that mattered to Buck was knowing he was okay.

“His family has not arrived yet but we’re as close as it can get.” Bobby finally spoke, extending a hand, “I’m Captain Bobby Nash and we’re all firefighters with the 118.”

Buck knew he was trying to get the doctor to bend the rules a little and he was honestly thankful for it.

The doctor shook Bobby's hand and took a closer at him, slowly nodding.

“Mr. Diaz came in with two concussions, out of which one was worse as it didn’t receive immediate medical attention so there was some light bruising.” the doctor explained, “We’ve done a couple of scans and while he will need to be supervised for the next 48 hours, he’s fine and stable for now.”

Buck could suddenly feel his vision get blurry. 

“So he’ll be fine?” he asked, his voice more strangled than he it to be expected.

“I believe so, but he needs to take things slow and allow a full recovery.” the doctor warned and glanced at Bobby who nodded in return.

These were really good news, like really good news, but somehow Buck’s knees felt weaker than before. Eddie was _fine_. Or at least he will be. After everything he'd just experienced in one single night, he had to repeated these words to himself before he could really register them.

Everything seemed so surreal that he didn't even feel Christopher's hand on his cheek, guiding Buck's face towards his own. 

“Can we see daddy now, please?” Christopher slightly frowned and Buck blinked once before letting out a rough laugh and hugging a confused Christopher tight. 

“Yes, yes we can.” he nodded and stood, positioning Christopher in his hip. 

* * *

Buck breathed in and opened the door softly. As soon as he stepped in, his eyes met Eddie’s and he felt a lump form in his throat. It wasn’t that Eddie looked particularly beaten up or something, but the concept of him being injured and in the hospital made Buck sick to his stomach, and to have to actually face it made him even more uncomfortable. Before he could even allow himself to react, Christopher started wiggling on his hip, clearly relieved to finally see his dad.

“Daddy!” the boy called out and his arms reached forward, prompting Buck to carry him to the bed where Eddie was resting. Buck obliged, still in a bit of a daze. 

“Chris,” Eddie said, his voice hoarse, and smiled widely before he straightened his position. Buck placed Christopher next to him and the boy immediately hugged his dad, desperate to be close to him and make sure he was okay. The whole picture made Buck’s chest ache with something bittersweet.

Eddie held him close, his eyes shut tight, and Buck felt warm just by witnessing the moment.

The peaceful reunion didn’t last long, though, as Christopher suddenly let out a quiet sob. Buck could see Eddie open his eyes and frown at the sound. 

“Hey, no, buddy, please don’t cry,” he spoke softly, leaning his head to look into the boy’s eyes, trying to soothe his worries, “I’m here, okay? I’m fine now. We’re fine.”

Buck knew it broke him to see Christopher like this but there was a pang of anger that told Buck this could have been avoided if Eddie chose to handle his temper in a way that didn’t end with him passed out in his bathroom. 

“I was really scared.” Christopher confessed, rubbing at his eyes, and it definitely broke Buck’s heart to see him like this. 

“I know, mijo, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I scared you.” Eddie said and kissed his temple, “I’m good now, though. The nice men from the ambulance told me what a brave little boy you were and I’m proud of you." 

Christopher nodded, sniffling. 

"I called 911, just like you taught me. And I called Buck too." 

Eddie smiled and glanced at Buck for a second, something kind in his eyes. Buck didn’t know what that look meant, what those warm brown eyes were trying to tell him, but it must have meant something because it sent a shiver down his spine. He was so mad at what happened but at the same time he wanted nothing more than to hug them both and make them feel safe.

"I missed you.” Christopher said quietly and let his head rest on Eddie’s chest, sighing like he was tired. And Buck knew he was.

“Me too, buddy. I’m sorry.” Eddie sighed too, rubbing Christopher’s back to calm him down. 

* * *

They stood in silence for a while, allowing Christopher to just feel comfortable and settle down, but it didn't take long for him to fall asleep. Eddie let out a breath, looking miserable.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” he half-whispered, “especially after everything.”

Buck quirked an eyebrow, a bit offended, “You already know how much I love him. This doesn’t change just because we aren’t that close anymore.”

Eddie looked away, clenching his jaw. It hurt, having it spelled out like that, but at the end of the day he knew he was the one who built these walls, while Buck was the one who kept knocking on them.

It had never been an easy decision to keep his distance, but he liked to call it self-preservation. 

That didn’t mean he didn’t hate every second of it. With every day, their relationship faded just a little more, and logically it should be easier for Eddie to get over it, but it was only getting harder to cope.

“Buck, I’m sorry, I just-”

“Yeah, you should be sorry.” Buck cut him off sharply and glared. Eddie actually seemed taken aback. _Good_ , Buck thought.

He’d love nothing else than to hug the man and thank whoever that he was fine, or as fine as one could be after a concussion like that, but this wasn’t an accident and the fact that Eddie chose street fighting over asking for help infuriated him.

“You should feel sorry for putting yourself in danger like that and putting Christopher in this situation. What were you thinking?”

It was obvious that Buck had hit a sensitive spot when Eddie’s jaw tightened, his face a mix of anger and embarrassment. For what it was worth, Buck knew Eddie wasn’t a selfish person, let alone a selfish father, but he should have known better than this. Christopher didn’t need another tragedy in his life.

“It’s not that simple. I had a lot going on.” Eddie gritted out, but there wasn't any real bite to it.

“And you decided to work it out in a ring?” Buck shot back. He couldn’t just let this slide. He knew whatever Eddie was going through was serious enough to land him in a place like that but he must have known that punching people was the farthest thing from a solution. 

“There was no ring. There was a fence though.” Eddie retorted, like a smartass, a bitter smile on his face. Buck deadpanned. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” he huffed, “I really fucked-up, I know. It was stupid and reckless and I put Christopher through hell because of it. I fucked up.”

_Father of the year_ , Eddie thought, feeling Christopher against his chest, so small and fragile. 

“Yeah, it was stupid. There are so many people that care about you who could have helped and-”

“And none of them were you!” Eddie snapped, incredulous that Buck couldn’t understand that he didn't just open up to everyone. There were very few people that got to see his emotional baggage and Buck was one of them.

Buck’s eyes widened for a second, startled by the words. He quickly glanced at Christopher, but the boy was too tired to even stir at the commotion. It was a confession that he didn’t want to put too much weight on but he’d be liar if he'd deny the flicker of hope he felt. 

It was stupid, really, because Eddie didn’t mean it like that, but these were words and feelings that Buck had longed for in all the time they barely interacted so he allowed himself a moment to feel more important than he was, or at least a different kind of important.

“You were too busy suing us though.” Eddie mumbled, bitterly, and looked to the ceiling. 

“That’s not fair,” Buck frowned and swallowed, “I was trying to get back to you. I can’t be someone who just watches from the side, you know that." 

"You didn’t even bother to say anything to us. I just had to find out from Bobby that we’ve been served.” Eddie said, sounding real tired. 

"I know. I should have said something." Buck nodded, "I was really mad and thought it wouldn't matter, especially because I knew you’d try to talk me out of it. When Bobby told me he was the one who didn’t want to let me come back, it hurt. I mean, hell, he even taped Bosko’s name over mine and you two hit it off so easily. I just kind of felt like nobody was in my corner anymore, that I had to figure this out by myself.”

“I never wanted to keep you away from this job," Eddie sighed and faced him, an affection in his brown eyes that made Buck feel guilty, "I know how important it is to you. I just wanted to keep you safe. After everything, I couldn’t handle the idea of losing you to some stupid accident on the job.”

Buck breathed in, every sweet word Eddie uttered tugging at his heart. The anger was slowly fading.

“I was ready. I am ready. I’m actually going to be off blood-thinners in a m-" 

A soft knock on the door interrupted them and Buck almost jumped. Bobby peered in cautiously, a small smile on his face as he focused on Buck. It faded when he looked at Eddie.

"We need to talk." Bobby stated firmly and walked in, closing the door behind him. 

"Yeah, I know." Eddie nodded.

* * *

Bobby looked between the two men and frowned. He could feel a headache coming on and the tension in his shoulders made it hard for him to relax. He wasn't mad at Eddie, not really. He was disappointed with himself that he hadn't realized what was happening before it got worse. If anyone could understand a man who was mishandling his issues, it was Bobby, but he also understood the importance of their job and the need to make sure everyone was stable: mentally, emotionally and physically. Not realizing what was going on with Eddie had been his own mistake, but now he had to do something, for Eddie's sake and for the team's sake. 

"Eddie, there's no easy way to say this." he sighed and he quickly noticed how nervous Buck looked, "This whole mess is pretty serious and as your captain, I can't help but question your abilities to do your job. I'm going to have to write a disciplinary report and-"

Buck immediately stood up, ready to protest, and Bobby almost smiled. He already knew Buck would fight him on this more than Eddie.

"Bobby, this is not-" But Bobby didn't give him a chance to say anything, holding up a hand to shush him. He really loved them both, but they needed to understand that this was serious, that it wasn't just something he could brush off. 

He turned his attention back to Eddie and to the man's credit, he looked defeated and embarrassed. 

"You will most likely be off duty for three months, during which-"

"Wait, Bobby, no." Buck took a step forward and Bobby gave him a look, but he recognized the determination in Buck's eyes.

"You're out of line." he warned.

"Buck, I'll be fine-" Eddie tried to reason but Bobby knew Buck better than that. Buck didn't even let Eddie finish.

"Bobby, you've given me so many second chances and you've chosen to trust me even after the lawsuit. Eddie's made one mistake and believe me, he really regrets it. He can't be out of work for three months, Bobby." Buck pleaded, raw determination in his eyes. 

"There are limits to what I can let go or ignore, Buck."

"I know. And Eddie knows this too," Buck paused, and Bobby saw him glance at Eddie, a glint of something in his eyes, "What he did was irresponsible and reckless and so unlike him, and that is why I'm asking you to give him another chance, just like you did with me. If I know anything, it's that this won't happen again." 

Bobby looked at Eddie then and quirked his eyebrows. Eddie himself looked slightly taken aback by Buck's words, but he slowly nodded.

"I'm really sorry, Cap. It's within your right to have doubts about me, but I promise you that I'm done with all that. I really messed things up with Christopher." 

Bobby could relate to the sentiment, to Eddie, and that in itself bothered him a lot. The idea of Eddie going down the same path he did so many years ago made him feel sick. He didn't want to let this go but he didn't want to punish Eddie either and Buck had made a good point about second chances.

Bobby sighed.

"Anything even remotely close to this kind of thing happens again and I'm done. Eddie, I care about you very much, the whole team does," he paused, glancing at Buck, "but this job is too important and I need people I can rely to on my team, understood?" he looked at Eddie pointedly.

Eddie nodded, meeting Bobby's eyes.

"Thank you, Cap. Really."

"I will recommend you for counseling. This is not negotiable. And I will talk to Bosko about it too."

"Yes, sir." 

Bobby gave him a weak smile.

"You're on medical for the week. Do you want me to call anybody?" 

"No, I don't want to worry them," Eddie smiled back, but he looked tired, "I'll talk to them in the morning."

Bobby nodded, making his way to the door and he could see Buck mouth a _thank you_ towards him. 

* * *

Eddie spent a little bit of time with the rest of the team too, assuring them he was fine. He was anything but fine, but that was not something he wanted to talk about tonight. They didn't seem mad, they just seemed worried and somehow that made Eddie feel worse. 

Buck, though, insisted to stay, to take Christopher home himself, and Eddie knew there was no point in fighting it.

"Thank you," Eddie murmured later, when everyone went home and it was just the two of them. He was afraid his voice would crack, too tired to keep the emotions in. He couldn't even look at Buck, not after what he put the man through. Even best friends have limits and Buck went above and beyond for him, regardless of how far up his own ass Eddie had been. "You didn't have to do that for me. It's not like I deserve-"

"I love you." Buck said then, so softly Eddie wasn't sure he heard him right. 

"What?" he asked, feeling his heart pound in his chest with anticipation. 

"I love you." Buck repeated, and he looked all sorts of tired, but there was something so raw and vulnerable in his eyes. Eddie felt a sudden surge of emotions rush through his body, making the hairs on his arms stand up like ants marching up his body. 

"Buck.." he trailed off, slightly overwhelmed, because _this_? He had _not_ seen this coming and he feared the thought of someone pinching him awake.

"You don't have to say anything," Buck chuckled humorlessly and cleared his throat, "I don't want to make you feel weird, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm still your best friend and no matter what happens, I'll always be there to help you and Christopher."

Buck's words made Eddie's chest feel tight, flooded with memories of how many times he wished this would happen and how many times he told himself to get a grip. He had to trust that Buck was not fucking around, that this wasn't just a spur of a moment thing, because he wouldn't know what to do if it was. 

"Buck, I-" Eddie tried again, but this time it was Buck that cut him off.

"I am trying my very best to be supportive of you and Lena, and I am happy you finally found someone, but she can't be this kind of influence for you." he took a step forward, almost pleading, "This isn't about me being jealous or anything, it's just that she fucked up as much as you did. You needed help and she-"

"Buck!" Eddie exclaimed because _fuck_ , he couldn't take seeing Buck this distressed anymore. His eyes darted to Christopher, who only moved slightly in his arms, still very much asleep. Eddie let out a breath and Buck frowned, slightly confused. 

"I don't know what made you think that Lena and I are more than friends, but we're not. And I know it's probably hard for you to believe me because I've been a real asshole lately, but I've been in love with you since," Eddie paused, his brows furrowed as if deep in thought, "hell, feels like forever." he chuckled to himself.

"All I know is that I had this weird crush on you and then you met Christopher and I stood no chance." he smiled, fondness in his voice, "This is why I couldn't even fix anything between me a Shannon. I mean, I love her, she'll always have a place in my heart, but I haven't been in love with her for a long time, way before I came here."

Buck was silent for the longest time, face unreadable, and every second was driving Eddie nuts because there was no going back. Everything was out in the open and all he could do was hope he didn't fuck this up somehow.

But then Buck blinked and his face broke into such a wide smile that it made Eddie's knees weak and he wasn't even standing. 

"Is this actually happening?" Buck asked and there was a slight tremor in his voice.

"I hope so." 

"Eddie," Buck whispered, breathing in, "I want to kiss you."

Eddie chuckled then, feeling so surreal, and his body buzzed with excitement. If it wasn't for Christopher sleeping on top of him, Buck wouldn't have had the time to ask that. 

"So kiss me then." he whispered back.


End file.
